Meatbags rejoice! Or, perhaps more accurately, cower in fear. CARROT, the “fun”-loving AI construct who just wants to hurt you in ways you can’t even imagine, has returned with a brand new CARROT Fit update.

In this update, you’ll find a new 7-minute workout module that’s just a little different from the rest. That’s because this one involves punching Justin Bieber in the face and performing a dragon mating dance, among other, equally-ridiculous activities.

The update includes 12 built-in exercises, including old favorites such as “Can’t Get Ups,” “Imperial Butt Dips,” and “Extreme Lying Down.” Purchasing the $1.99 Excerise Booster Pack unlocks an additional 12, including “Celebrity Face Punches” and “Mount Doom Climbs.”

You can track your workout and weigh-in history in the app’s new profile screen. You can even add a profile photo, which CARROT will criticize and helpfully offer to swap out for one of her favorite human, actor Alan Thicke (and yes, the app really will replace your photo with Thicke’s if you accept the offer).

Completing the workout and weighing in regularly will allow you to “level up” and unlock new rewards—though some of the rewards are actually just new forms of punishment, such as an option to enable more two even more difficult workouts.

A few of the more useful unlockables include the ability to set a goal weight, a calendar and other charts to track your progress, extra rest time between exercises, and for some reason the option to use Klingon units of measurement. Oh, and something called “Ring of Zeus.” I’m still not quite sure what that does.

If you’re looking for a fitness app with personality, look no further than the snarky, rude, condescending, and seriously entertaining CARROT Fit. You can grab it right now on the App Store for $2.99.

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3 Responses to “CARROT Fit updated with new workout module involving dragons and Justin Bieber”

  1. Yow dude can you stop texting me about your dum ass shut that I don’t want to no about

    Sent from my BlackBerry 10 smartphone.